I Keep To Myself
by Calliope Medina Erato
Summary: In the midst of their friendship, Botan has fallen with her one and only boss. Unfortunately, she was a little too slow...


I Keep It to Myself

**I Keep to Myself**

**By: Calliope Medina Erato**

_I looked at you a thousand times_

_This time when I looked at you_

_There was something new_

_How could I be so blind?_

_We shared our secrets in the dark_

_Though we were only friends_

_I don't know when the feeling changed_

_Within my heart_

We are gifted with the vision that enables us to see the beautiful and marvelous things around us. Yet there are times that we become blind to the things close to us. Then when we are able to finally realize our blindness, everything was already too late, wishing we could turn back time and start over and regretting on how we were not able to see what is already in front of us.

That, my friend, is a pain none like other a pain that is carried for the rest of our lives that burdens the heart and soul.

This has become a constant reminder for me whenever I remembered that someone who meant so much to me has slipped away all because I was blind.

Despite the fact that he was the prince of Reikai and I was just his servant, we got along well, we are able to become close like brother and sister. And like any other sibling relationship, we fight where I get angry with him for being so careless and he snaps my head off for being such an airhead. But they end as fast as they started, and we smile sheepishly at each other in a way of apologizing to one another and resume our work.

So that's how our friendship goes for the past hundreds of years. It has grown and developed into a deep relationship where one does not need to ask what is wrong with the other and where trust is unconditionally given no questions asked.

Then suddenly, everything changed.

I was with him at the office, as usual, helping him sort out tons of paperwork. There was no conversation between us since with so much work in our hands; there never seem the time to talk. While he stamps away, I was carrying the next pile of papers to be signed next and placed them on his desk. I was about to leave, but stopped to watch him for a moment. Oddly, I felt a slight flutter from my heart and a thought entered my mind: _he is cute._ Despite the fact that he was in his chibi form, he looks absolutely adorable to me.

Funny, I never seem to see that before. Maybe because I was too busy yelling back at him whenever we fight to notice. Besides, when you're working in a busy office such as this one, there was never time to sit and look around, let alone notice on how attractive your boss turns out to be.

"What are you looking at, Botan-chan?" His voice cut through my thoughts.

I blinked and I can feel a flush creeping from my cheeks. I laughed, covering up the feeling of embarrassment inside me. "Uh, nothing Koenma-sama! Nothing!" I said, scratching my head.

He looked at me curiously, but didn't say anything. I inwardly sighed in relief. He went back to his work, but not before asking me if I could accompany him to Ningenkai to talk to Yusuke. I nodded, knowing that I always go with him whenever he goes to visit the human world. "When do we leave?" I asked.

"By the time this is done." He said.

I nodded again and went to another part of the office. For once, I felt excited that I was going to go with him in Ningenkai. It felt once again, strange since we always go there countless of times. _What was the difference of this one?_ I asked myself.

I was still pondering on that question when we arrived at Ningenkai. I was watching Koenma talking with Yusuke and Kuwabara. In his adult form, he was devastatingly handsome and I noticed that he has caught a lot of attention especially with the female ningens eyeing him with interest. This was nothing new to me then, but this is now. For the first time in my life, I was jealous of these girls.

Darn, what is going on here?! I felt confused; my feelings were in a whirl. I distracted myself and turned to Keiko who was making lunch and struck a conversation with her about clothes. She was only too happy to chat, offering me to come with her shopping sometime with Yukina and Shizuru. Then she proceeded to complain about Yusuke and on how he cuts classes and fights with the other students. But I knew that she loves him, in spite of his rude and crude manner.

Later, Koenma and I left saying that we have more work to do. I summoned my oar out of thin air and jumped onto it and so did he. I felt his arms around my waist and shivers coursed through my body. _What was the difference with this one?_ I wondered again. _His touch never makes me quiver before._

I was quiet on our way back to Reikai and he seems to notice it. "This is new." He joked. "You've never been this silent before."

"Just not in the mood to talk that's all." I said then decided to drop the subject before he asks more questions. "So, how'd it go with Yusuke?"

I listened as he prattled away, not caring about his talk with Yusuke, but with his voice. Eventually, we arrived home and as we walked along the quiet corridors of the palace, I sneaked a glance at him. I felt giddy as I examined his profile. He was still in his adult form, wearing ningen clothes. Then suddenly, I realized something. Something that made my heart slams hard against my chest. He turned to face me and I jumped a little. Drat, he caught me staring at him! Again. I knew that I was blushing.

"If you keep on staring at me like that, I might melt." He kidded.

"I-I'm sorry." I said, for once not able to make a clever comeback at him. I was too stunned with what I had just found out about my feelings towards him. How long has it been?! Why have I known it now?!

"Hey, I was just kidding." He said then stopped in front of the large double doors. It was not the office since this door is colored blue. I realized in an instant that this was his room. "I thought you said that you're going to work tonight?" I asked, frowning.

"I did, but I need to take a nap first and you should also do the same thing if you want to help me out until tomorrow afternoon."

"Afternoon?" I groaned. "Oyasumi." I added then zoomed off before he could say anything. I wanted to sort out my thoughts first, with what I had just realized.

I love him. My boss, my friend, my adversary, my confidante. I love him, it was plain and simple. But how come it felt so complicated? Why is it I have this feeling that everything would change from now on?

_Baby, I keep it to myself_

_Baby, fallin' in love with you_

_The harder it gets_

_But you don't know the love I'm feelin'_

_I keep it to myself_

_Baby, fallin' in love with you_

_I don't wanna push you away_

_'Cause no one makes me feel like you do_

It was easy to accept the fact that I love my boss. I guess it happened slowly, like a plant growing in the gentle light of the sun and the nurturing water. I didn't care how it happened, what matter most is that I love him. Period.

But there can be problems. It was hard to act the way it used to without letting your emotions run wild. It was difficult also to adjust myself with these new feelings within me. I wanted to tell him how I feel, but I have no idea if he felt the same way as I do and honestly, I was afraid to lose our friendship.

Then there was the Reikai office grapevine. Tattlers are going to have a field day once word of this goes out and that will further ruin everything between us.

So I decided to shut up and keep it to myself.

I never knew that it was even more strenuous to hide my feelings, especially when he is there right in front of me, instructing me in his commanding tone about the latest missions Yusuke and the others must do. I tired hard to concentrate on his instructions, but instead my mind was drifting farther and farther away from the topic at hand.

"BOOOTTAAANNN!"

I jumped at the ear-splitting voice and met his stern face. "Gomen nasai, Koenma-sama." I muttered. "I wasn't listening again, I know."

He looked at me, still with that stern expression on his face, and then his expression softened. "You've been acting weird lately, is everything ok?" He asked. "I hope nothing's wrong with you."

_Oh I'm ok; everything's really peachy for me. I've just fallen in-love with you after having you as my friend for the past hundreds of years that's all._ I wanted to say, but of course, I didn't. "No need to worry about me, I'm fine. Trust me." I said instead. "You said that I have to go at Yusuke's right away right?"

"Yes and tell him to be less reckless next time!"

"I will, although that would be impossible. Ja ne!" I said, summoning my oar.

"Ja."

So as I flew off towards Ningenkai, I thought that there would come a time where I will be able to tell him what I feel. I just have to wait for the right time to do so.

_I dream of you all through the night_

_Holding you tenderly_

_Right here wrapped in my arms so tight_

_But when I start to tell you how I feel_

_You tell me 'bout someone new who's right for you_

_If you only knew my love's for real_

I sneaked up behind him and wrapped my arms around him. He looked up at me and smiled. I smiled back at him and held him closer to me. It felt so good, so wonderful. Just pure bliss. He was about to kiss me when a shrill sound came out from his lips.

Pop! There goes my fantasy, like a pin pricking on a balloon. I got up from the bed, turned off my alarm clock and went to the bathroom to do my morning rituals.

I came out a few moments later, fully dressed in my pink kimono and ready to face the day, my work and my boss. The last part made me smile.

I was humming on my way to the office, daydreaming of being held in Koenma's arms and kissing me, reassuring me that he loves me forever and ever. I wondered if this is the time that I should tell him about my feelings. After all, he had been very nice to me lately and once he even asked me to come with him at the garden to talk about anything under the sun. Would it be possible to tell him now? Maybe.

I pushed the double doors open, still humming, and I saw the onis rushing back and forth, carrying papers and other documents, some were shouting to other onis about newly arrived souls. In the middle of this madness was Koenma who was stamping as usual behind his desk. " Ohayo, Koenma-sama." I greeted him cheerfully when he looked up at me. " I was wondering if—!"

"Ayame and I are getting married!" He nearly shouted, cutting me off. Then he sobered, but his eyes were twinkling with joy. "Isn't it great?"

"NANI?!" I screeched. Every oni present has stopped whatever they were doing to stare at me. Even Koenma was gaping at me. Then I put a hand on my chest and laughed as loud as I can although I know that it was a phony one. "I mean I'm surprised that you finally asked Ayame-san to marry you! Of course it's great! I'm happy for you!" I said hastily, still laughing.

Koenma looked uncertain, but I was relieved when he eventually smiled at me. It looks like he accepted my excuse at face value. "I know you'd feel that way. This is why I want you to be the first person to know about it, you are my best friend, after all. By the way," He then decided to change the subject. "I'm sorry if I cut you off, you were saying?"

"Oh, it's nothing important. Forget it." I said dully. "I gotta do some chores. Ja mata ne!" I left before he could say anything or see the tears that were beginning to fill my eyes.

How long has it been? I wondered as I lifted my head from the pillow. I didn't have to look at a mirror to know how terrible I looked. My eyes were red and puffy from endless crying, my head hurt, my eyes hurt, my hair was a mess and my hands hurt from punching the pillows endlessly. So I wonder, how long have I been crying?

I fell apart when Koenma dropped that nasty bombshell. How could that be possible?! He was marrying somebody else! Two things were plaguing me during the time I cooped up inside my room. One was how come I didn't see this coming? It was obvious that he has feelings for Ayame, who was around much longer than I was, but he never seems to tell her, saying that he's too busy working, that the timing's horrible and every excuse that he could come up with.

I told him then that he was being such a pansy and we had a fight because of that. But I got the upper hand when I yelled at him that he should quit being scared and tell her how he feels about her whatever the outcome may be.

I guess he took that as my advice.

Now he's marrying her. Wonderful. Unfortunately, I can't hate Ayame. While the other ferrygirls ignored me or found me too informal for them, Ayame didn't and I found another friend in her. Not to mention that she was the one who took me under her wing when I first started to work at the Reikai office. She was the one who warned me about Koenma's bad temper and snappy manner. The way she spoke that out then, I heard a slight hint of softness in her voice and I noticed that her face glowed every time she talked about him.

And I, stupid little me, ignored the whole thing. I was too immersed with doing well on my first day to notice that. If only I could jump out from the window of my room to the depths below so I can die. But I can't, I'm dead already.

I punched the pillow for the nth time. My mind was filled with so many 'if onlys'. If only I haven't stayed silent for too long. If only I told him sooner. If only I didn't hide it from him. If only…. Oh, what's the use? It was already too late from the start anyway. I have stayed silent for too long and I paid for that price dearly. That was the second thing that was bothering me.

I hate it.

_Baby, I keep it to myself_

_Baby fallin' in love with you_

_The harder it gets_

_But you don't know the pain I'm feelin'_

_I keep it to myself_

_Baby, fallin' in love with you_

_I don't wanna push you away_

_'Cause no one makes me feel like you do_

"Domo." I said as George handed me a glass of champagne. The party was in full swing, with every oni and ferrygirl dancing. I saw Yusuke's group talking with Ayame and Koenma and from the looks of his face, he was being pelted with teases from the Reikai Tantei, especially from Yusuke and Kuwabara who seem to be enjoying themselves. Kurama was torn between stopping them and joining along while Hiei looked annoyed and bored.

My gaze landed on the newly engaged couple and they kept on sneaking loving stares at each other. I looked away, feeling sick. It should be me beside him; it should be me who should be the bride of the Reikai prince, the one he would love for the rest of his life. _Get real, Botan._ I said to myself.

What took me so long to tell him? Why didn't I tell him in the first place? I know that if I ever did, things would be much, more different than before. But would it have been? Who knows? At the back of my mind, I was glad that I didn't tell him about my feelings for him, thinking on how his announcement saved me. I would be humiliated if he didn't feel the same way as I do. So how come I wasn't relieved about that? Why is it that I was feeling remorseful instead?

"Hey, what's a beautiful girl doing here all alone?"

I smiled into a pair of green eyes. "Why thank you for such a compliment, Kurama-san." I said. He was always such a great guy even though he used to be such a terrifying youkai. "How'd you manage to escape the bunch?" I asked, referring to Yusuke's group, which is now occupied in making George's life miserable.

"That's a mild way of putting it." Kurama said with a wince.

"Hey, where's your best friend?" I can't help but ask.

"Somewhere he doesn't want to be seen."

We both laughed. Then he became serious. "Isn't it great that Koenma-_sama's_ getting married? It's about time, too."

"Uh, yeah." I said uneasily. Why did he have to bring that up?

"What I wouldn't give to be in his place." He said a little wistfully.

I stared at him. "You like to marry Ayame-_san_?" I kidded.

"No silly." He gave me a mock glare. "I just wondered if there would come a time for me to love and marry. It's no fun being lonely, y'know."

We have a lot more things in common than I thought.

"_So desu ne_." I murmured.

Then the orchestra was playing a fast song. "Would you like to dance, Botan-san?" Kurama asked, extending his hand to me.

"I'd love to." I said, taking his hand. Looking on the bright side, at least I get to dance with the most eligible and handsome man in the room and I would be the envy of the women in this party. I could feel their sharp glances and glares at me.

I enjoyed his company, I mean who wouldn't be? He is charming, gracious, sophisticated, handsome and a good dancer too. But despite of all this, there is one person I would love to dance with. With all my heart and soul.

The song was over and another one was being played, it was a slow jazz number. Kurama asked me again and I said yes. I was beginning to take pleasure in the party, forgetting the fact why there was one in the first place.

Then all of a sudden….

"May I cut in?"

I felt frozen with shock. I knew that voice anywhere, even when I am asleep, I would always recognize it.

"Sure, Koenma-_sama_." I heard Kurama saying.

I must have looked like a total idiot in front of him. My mouth was slightly open and my eyes are wide, not to mention that my body was too stiff from all the emotions churning inside me. I waved at Kurama who waved back and gave me a warm smile.

"Hey." I muttered to Koenma.

"About time I dance with you. That fox is beginning to monopolize you." He said, grinning. I had no idea if I should feel happy with the fact that I felt his arms around me. Maybe I should, if I don't feel so damn nervous.

I guess he must have felt it too because the next thing he said was: "Hey, relax. It's not like I'm going to bite you or anything."

I laughed nervously. "H-how about-?"

"Ayame's not going to fall apart without me." He said. "C'mon, let's dance shall we?"

"Hai."

My wish was granted after all.

_I wonder if you feel the same way I do_

_Then we both could be together forever_

_So why do I hide all my feelings inside?_

_If I know you're the only one for me_

_The deeper that it gets_

_The harder that I fall_

As we danced, I let my mind wander, letting my emotions take over. I imagined that I was the one he was getting married to, that I was his fiancée and that we will be together as man and wife. Wouldn't that be wonderful?

Music after music we danced like one body, one soul, reluctant to let go of each other, no matter who tries to cut in between us, he refused to release me. I wonder why he was being like that. I thought maybe he was just making the most out of this since he is not going to spend time with me anymore, his ever-reliable best friend and employee, but I know that he was not _that _mean. Was it something else?

And all through the dances, he kept on staring at me, as if memorizing my features. "If you keep on doing that, I might melt." I repeated the remark he had said a long time ago, a time where everything changed for me.

"Touché." He said, laughing. "Wouldn't it be great if we stay like this forever?" He added, leaning his face close to me until our foreheads touched.

I was taken aback with what he had just said. Was it possible that he was not _that_ mesmerized with Ayame? I stared at him, surprised but at the same time, I wasn't. I smiled at him and touched his cheek. "It would be wonderful."

"Yes, it would be."

But things don't work that way. It never does.

We continued dancing as if this was the last chance we have to be together, to be this close to each other. If this was all I have, then I am more than willing to take it. To treasure it for the rest of my life.

_Baby, I keep it to myself_

_Baby, fallin' in love with you_

_The harder it gets_

_I keep it to myself_

_Don't you ever leave me, you know baby_

_I don't wanna push you away_

_Don't you ever go away from me, baby_

_I love you baby_

_Love you crazy_

_I love you baby_

_And I love you crazy_

Whenever there was a beginning there was an end. The dance was over; it was time to go back to reality. We stared at each other for a brief moment. Then he nodded in understanding. He escorted me back to Keiko's group, who were happily talking and drinking.

"Thank you; it was such a lovely dance." I said a little too politely.

"You're welcome." He said. "It was more than I wanted."

I watch him leave, going back to Ayame who was talking with George. I saw him giving her a smile, putting an arm around her waist. She looked up and smiled back at him, her love for him was so evident for everyone to see.

I turned away for the second time, knowing that I had seen more than enough. But the sadness was gone, replaced by an overwhelming feeling of joy. I was smiling when I turned to Kuwabara.

It doesn't matter now if he marries her, I know where his heart belongs.

-owari-

_Author's note:_

_This is the second angst story I have finished and I hope you all appreciate it. Thank you for reading! There are more coming (hopefully!)._

_Comments and suggestions, plus greetings (huh?) are welcome, but constructive criticisms please! People have feelings too, if you don't realize…_

_Thanks to Jovi for the pre-reading, alam kong ikaw lang ang nakakaintindi sa akin at sa mga pinagsususulat ko at sa mga pinagsasabi ko! _

_Disclaimer: Yu Yu Hakusho is the property of Yoshihiro Togashi, Shonen Jump, Fuji Studios, and Studio Pierrot…you all know what I'm talking about. __ They're not mine (although I wish that they are especially…never mind) so don't sue. It's not easy to get money y'know. _

_Disclaimer 2: The song "I Keep to Myself" is by Monica and is not mine either so don't sue!!_

_New note: Nothing has changed in the story; I just want to make it readable. The first time I uploaded this fic it was horrible and hard to read._


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